I am extremely bored. So life was awesome since i somehow had managed to get into TIFR (TATA INSTITUTE OF FUNDAMNETAL RESEARCH, MUMBAI). Its a reputed basic science research institute where i’d have to work really hard and be surrounded by smarter people than me. My inner workaholic who wakes only under immense pressure and feelings of low esteem generated by comparison to people surrounding me was ecstatic to be in the environment it was going to be in for 3 years and getting paid for being forced to be productive!

I am a procrastinator on drugs. I can literally do absolutely NOTHING for months and i suspect years if given the opportunity. I find a lot of things interesting but when my day is not structured around me having absolute freedom and no restrictions for my actions- i become completely unproductive. I NEED external boundaries or guidelines to achieve anything! Which is absurd but i made peace with it because hating myself for it was counterproductive. And no productivity is better than negative productivity.

So what happened to the awesome environment i was looking forward to? Before admission they have a medical test – routine- just a formality- EXCEPT- me being with the worst luck ever get suspected with a disease (TB) whose confirmatory test takes 4-6 weeks to process! So forced holiday basically.

I could really use this time for a variety of things if i were capable of controlling my actions when i have freedom, but that battle i have conceded long ago because trying the same things again and again while expecting different results is STUPID, not to mention extremely depressing.

So to conclude i’m really bored.

But since i am not going to just give up, i will try some new things i haven’t before.

I like doing repetitive manual tasks. I get kind of sucked into their rhythm and even though they appear boring i can keep doing them. Like washing and cleaning and basically tasks that don’t require my brain to make any effort. Autopilot tasks. But interestingly once done with those tasks i feel good about myself which gives me energy to atleast attempt the tasks requiring brainwork.




Author: everchangingparadigms

In search for the truth, constantly trying to be less wrong about my perceptions of the world.

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